Complicated feelings/ death of an ex.

This passed week has been a difficult one. I’ll start off saying, I am happily married, and wouldn’t change a thing in my life. I am a firm believer that our past experiences and relationships make up who we are today.

I found out a few days ago my first love passed away. Way to young, and never having experienced a lot of what I know he wanted to in life.

To say the feelings that come with his death are complicated feels like an understatement. On one hand, its been quite a few years. The last time we spoke was about a year after we had broken up, he called to apologize. There was a lot to apologize for, alcohol can do that. I haven’t held on to much resentment for the bad parts of our relationship in years. What has surprised me is the flood of good memories his death has brought up. Things I have not thought about in years. He had a heart of gold, sometimes masked by copious amount of rum.

Before he died I remembered the worst parts of him and our relationship. Now, I find myself reflecting on the good times. In our 3 year relationship, there were more good times than bad. We moved into our first place together on his birthday, and got into a paint “fight” the day we moved in. He got pulled over for speeding on our way to meet with friends that night. I had painted a big heart on his cheek with beige paint. He knew how goofy he looked and made a joke about the things we do for love. The cop was laughing so hard he didn’t even give him a ticket. Our first vacation, I didn’t know we were taking. He planned my time off with my boss and packed my bag and picked me up from work. We had a lot of adventures, and I learned a lot about life and love.

It’s a different kind of grief. Not grief for someone who was part of my daily life. But, for someone who was for years. I’m positive we would have never crossed paths again, even as friends, and much less- lovers. I mourn for him, that he will not get to find what he was looking for. He never had the family he wanted. He didn’t ever find the help he needed to help himself. For that, I am incredibly saddened.

Thats all I have for now.


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